Breaking the Cycle

As an anger and couples coach, I often meet individuals and couples who feel trapped by a familiar foe: anger. It’s a powerful emotion, and while it’s a normal part of the human experience, its uncontrolled expression can leave a trail of devastation in its wake.

This is where vrede terapi, or anger therapy, can offer a new path forward.

The Negative Spiral

I recall a client, John, whose life had become a constant cycle of frustration. At work, he was perpetually annoyed by colleagues, traffic, and demanding deadlines. He often felt a simmering rage just beneath the surface. This constant agitation meant that what should have been minor inconveniences, like a small comment from his boss, became the “last straw,” leading to explosive outbursts.

His words often revealed arrogance and disdain, and interacting with him left others feeling drained and unsure of themselves.

At home, the situation was no better. His anger created a distant and strained relationship with his wife and children. He might snap, criticize, or even resort to sarcasm. The quiet person on the outside, John’s aggression was wearing him down internally, impacting his health, focus, and judgment.

He was caught in a destructive loop, where his anger pushed people away, leading to more loneliness, which in turn, fueled more anger. He knew things were bad, feeling shame and regret after his episodes, but he just couldn’t seem to stop. It was a deeply painful and isolating experience for him.

The Courage to Change

John eventually reached a point of exhaustion. He saw the damage his anger was inflicting on his most cherished relationships and his career. He realized his old ways of coping, whether suppressing his feelings or lashing out, weren’t working. What he needed was a fresh start, a different approach to managing this overwhelming emotion.

He reached out to me, seeking anger therapy, driven by a deep desire to reclaim his life and find peace. It takes immense courage for men, especially, to seek help for anger, given societal expectations and the normalization of aggressive displays. John’s willingness to embark on this journey was the crucial first step towards transformation.

Our Journey with Vrede Terapi: A New Path

Our work together began by acknowledging that anger is a normal human emotion, not inherently “bad,” but one that needs to be understood and expressed wisely.
We first focused on helping John develop awareness of his anger by noticing his triggers—the situations, thoughts, and feelings that set him off. We also tuned into his body’s warning signs, such as a racing heart or tense muscles.

A significant part of our approach involved exploring the underlying emotions that John’s anger often masked, such as hurt, fear, and vulnerability. Instead of fighting or suppressing these feelings, we practiced acceptance, allowing them to be present without letting them dictate his actions.

We also used mindfulness techniques, like focused breathing and visualizing his anger drifting away, to create space between his intense feelings and his impulsive reactions. This allowed him to “stop, look, and listen” before responding.

We worked on defusing from unhelpful thoughts that fueled his anger, such as blaming others or insisting he was always “right”. John learned to observe these thoughts, understanding that they were just mental events, not absolute truths.

We then practiced assertive communication, teaching him to express his needs and feelings clearly and respectfully using “I” statements, rather than accusatory “you” statements. We set clear boundaries, both for himself and in his relationships, ensuring he wasn’t constantly being pushed or disrespected.

Crucially, we connected his actions to his core values, helping him align his responses with what truly mattered to him, rather than letting anger control him. We also focused on self-compassion, recognizing that self-criticism only perpetuated his suffering.

A Transformed Life

Through consistent practice and dedication, John experienced remarkable success with anger therapy. He learned to pause and respond thoughtfully, rather than reacting impulsively. His relationships, both at work and at home, began to heal and flourish.

He developed stronger self-control and emotional balance, which allowed him to make sounder judgments and engage more fully in his life. John now understands that managing anger isn’t about eradicating the emotion entirely, but about changing his relationship with it.

He has transformed from someone trapped in a negative spiral to an individual who navigates challenges with clarity and inner peace. This journey with vrede terapi is ongoing, but John is now equipped with the tools to live a values-driven and fulfilling life, free from the destructive grip of uncontrolled anger.